How are you guys? I'm happy to say that sun has started peeking out just now. Perfect timing really. I got to roll around, lazy, in bed for a little while longer this morning-- or it felt that was with the sun behind the clouds-- like an excuse to do it. I pulled myself up to get some work done, and just as I sat down, the sun was like, "hey! here is motivation in happy form for you." (I mean, the sun did that for me right? ;) Either way, I'll take it.)
I think it'll be one of those days where the sun comes out for a few minutes before hiding behind another fast moving cloud again-- back and forth teasing us with rain all day. I'm okay with it. I ended up deep cleaning the house on tuesday-- and planned to get more work done on Wednesday, but then at the last minute (literally -- just twenty minutes before jumping in the car) we decided to head down to Miami. I was invited to lunch down there and my friend Claudia was in town for just one last day-- so it seemed like the necessary thing to do-- you know, in order to have a random, happy, go-with-the-flow type of day.
I guess I have a few questions for your guys. I've had a lot of conversations in the past three days. Different people, different topics. Some with people I've known forever, some with people I've met on a few occasions, and some with completely new people I've never met before.
Are you guys big planners? Do you need every step arranged and in line before you can make a big move? Or do you believe in jumping? I'm pretty sure that if you've been here long enough you definitely know I'm a jumper. I'm a strange contradiction. I've had three people this week alone tell me how complicated my brain works-- how they'll never figure me out. Not necessarily in a bad way, but in a "whoaaa Drea" way, haha. Because on one hand, I do like to have a lot of control over my life and know what I'm doing (not a huge fan of surprises over here. Okay, I actually still dislike surprises)-- but on the other, I jump. And I jump quickly, without too much concern. I've had conversations with people this week who find it hard to take a leap into the next step. They need careful planning to take place before they can make any sort of move and people who were like, "it just felt right, so I'm doing it. And I'll figure it out when I get there"-- no weeks or months of over thinking-- just going for it-- and with it.
It's weird how my anxiety can or can't play into this.
Speaking of which I was interviewed for a magazine on anxiety yesterday. I'm interviewed often-- I'd say at least a few times a month-- but it's usually on food, travel, design, those sorts of things. This was my first time very openly being asked about my anxiety. It felt foreign, but also comfortable (you guys know that if I'm good at anything its being an open book). On the drive down to Miami yesterday I spoke about my deep struggles that I once had with anxiety. About how there were times I could hardly leave my house-- or even my room. And how I at one point-- and up until pretty recently, I couldn't walk into a place where I didn't know anyone. That it made me too nervous, uncomfortable, and anxious. And now--- how I've slowly over come that-- or how I am currently overcoming that.
And the funny thing is-- this conversations took place on a way to a lunch. Lunch is always a great idea-- but for me, I guess it's more of a opportunity to work on the personal anxieties I struggle with. A test to walk into a room where I know absolutely no one--- to have more conversations. And within minutes (seconds really) I was meeting strangers and being asked questions and talking about how I would have never been able to do this (walk into a room without knowing anyone), even three years ago.
(Funny enough, the first question I was asked was how I come up with topics to write about each day-- well, this is how).
Do you like conversations? Do you like them with family and close friends? Do you love conversations with strangers? Honestly, I'm starting to love both. Or I've started too not too long ago. I'm still nervous to overstep my place in conversations though. What my place is though-- I'm not actually sure, but I still have struggles in speaking out and asking questions to the people I'm with. Not because I'm lacking interest or questions. I almost always have ten million questions I want to ask the people I'm with, but because I find myself often too timid to raise my voice. Is it my anxiety? Or is it actually an insecurity? I'm not sure. It often feels like insecurity-- though I don't necessarily consider myself insecure.
I wish at twenty years old, that I had the confidence that I do right now. And I wish that right now I could have the confidence in. myself that I plan to have in ten years. I don't yet, but thats okay.
I'm working on it. Things that help (me): getting older, breathing in and out, traveling (SO much), and accepting the fact that I am a completely goofball, and not everyone will enjoy that. Some will hate it, while some find it absolutely entertaining and endearing ;)
Ask me a question and I speak. Making it a point to not over speak. Have you seen that moment in a conversation where someones eyes just sort of -- I dot know, glaze over? And you realize they've lost focus and have moved to another topic in their head? I hate that feeling. I never want that feeling If I even think its abut to happen, I get choked up and start tangling my words to shorten my thoughts. I'm working hard to never do that--- the tangling of my own words yes, but mostly being the one who glazes over. And for someone like me, who has ten million thoughts in their head at any given time-- it can be hard. Again, not because I've lost interest--- but because well, I don know, I guess I haven't worked on and advanced my focus enough yet---- I'm working on my conversation (skills).
Have you guys thought (too much) about conversations? Do you go back and play and replay every moment in your head? Or does a conversation happen and pass? For me, I play back-- again and again. And I store everything. I'll probably revisit each conversation half a dozen times more-- whether it was about something superficial (but amazing) like goats (haha) or deeply meaningful like giant life changes.
So how do you work on conversations? (If you do work on them). For me, a lot of it has been accidental. Just changes that came with working on my anxiety. But a lot of it has been intentional with working on my mindfulness (I still hate that term, btw). But I don't know, I guess it always goes back to the whole 'life is short' thing--- I want to take in every single moment and feel it-- learn from it. Because at some point, none of it will be here. And what will it all have been for? I don't know. So right now (and for my entire life) I want be completely and totally intentional in every moment that I am here.
And it's maybe weird how someone who would have been/was so anxious and so depressed for so long could want to feel everything so deeply-- instead of completely numbing it out. But it's really good too.
pps. one more topic: I watched a ted talk a few months ago on introverts vs. extroverts and it said how introverts use so many more words such as "possibly, maybe, perhaps" etc. While extroverts are more decisive and to the point with their statements. Re-reading this post I can see that ten million times over. Cheers to all you fellow introverts! And cheers to you extroverts too, cause you guys challenge my comfort zones in the best way.